I've been contemplating writing this post for weeks now.
And here it is.
I want you to know that my intent is not to bring you down, so I hope I don't. Also, I hope you don't find it inappropriate to blog about personal problems. You're welcome to stop reading now if you feel that way, I won't mind :)
I am writing in an effort to be honest and open with myself and with the world, and maybe through that gain some perspective and peace.
Make sense?
Probably not, but oh well.
I have been having a hard time lately. Some call it "baby blues" or maybe minor post-partum depression, but whatever you call it, it sucks.
When Cecily came along I can honestly say that I didn't have any trouble bouncing back. I had tired days and days of "Holy cow I can't believe I have a baby now" feelings, but nothing like what I felt after Nolan was born.
Don't misunderstand:
There's no question that I am completely in love with both of my kids.
They are my world.
My life, my joy, my everything.
But for 11 weeks I've had days of hopelessness. Days of overwhelming anxiety. Days when I envisioned the rest of my life in a mental hospital. When all I did for Cecily was the bare minimum- Her world consisted of : bathing, eating, and cartoons. And ps- my house has been a pig-sty since the day I came home from the hospital, and I can't even remember the last time I scrubbed and bleached my bathroom floor. Gross.
I had days when it seemed better to stare at the wall than to get out of my bed.
To be honest, it was wierd.
I've always been a pretty happy person. I've usually been able to talk myself into a good mood, even if circumstances were crappy. I've never felt like I was clinically depressed or even prone to depression, so when these "bad" days come now I always end up wondering why I can't just -snap out of it-.
But I am realizing that there was a little bit of a chemical imbalance in my hormones, and it's ok that i felt sad or mad or wierd or anxious. I've gotta stop beating myself up about feeling crazy if I'm going to get over feeling crazy, ya know?
Much to the delight of my husband and kids, the "bad" days are getting fewer and farther between now. I feel that way only occasionally, and I'm feeling like my old self again. I know I wasn't into full blown post-partum depression, because things get better, not worse every day. Time and God can solve anything, I guess. I am so grateful for that. I think that's maybe why I can write it all down now....... because I'm coming out on the other side of it.
God is teaching me patience. He is also helping me to realize (again) how blessed I am.
But, isn't that part of the reason we get to be parents? To learn patience and understanding and to be filled with the most overwhelming love we've ever known? I think yes.
And now I will get off my computer and go play with my kids :)
7 comments:
Oh Wendy! I am so sorry its been so hard. It sounds like you are aware and have a good perspective though. Thanks for sharing and you really do always have a friend in Springville.
Wendy, friend. I am so glad that it is getting better. Unfortunately, when those dark days of postpartum hit, I have to seek drugs. I hate it. But I hate the dark, dark way I feel. That is one of my many fears about having another child - the what it will be like after. I am just glad you are getting through it. :)
Wendy, I am so glad you were willing to be open about this because it happens to so many women. I'm glad that you are doing better though and could never think less of you for sharing something like that! Depression is a hard thing and you are lucky that you were able to work through it without medication. Hope things keep getting better!
I think now's a good time to come out of the blog-stalking closet. Mike and I grew up in the same ward in Modesto; Adam, Rachel and I were pretty good friends. I think I got to your blog from Rachel's and have been reading for a while. You are so funny and true-to-life. I love your style and find myself nodding my head as I read your posts. I especially appreciated this post today. I had a baby 8 months ago and I feel like the past 2 months I've finally come out of whatever it was I was in. I had all those same feelings you described. There were days when I felt like getting in the car by myself and just driving off. I wanted to quit. DONE. The winter weather didn't help either. I think it just takes a while to figure out a "new normal." And having a toddler begging for the same amount of attention she got pre-baby doesn't really help. It's hard. I admire your for being frank about your feelings! Thanks for sharing.
P.S. Our blog is jebtimes3.blogspot.com!
oh how i love my wendy anne. i'm sorry you have been sad lately. trust me...if anyone knows how you are feeling it's me. thank goodness for drugs! i'm so glad you are having better days. i miss you lots and wish i was there with you! love your guts!
Wendy, I'm glad that things are looking up for you. Did you speak to you Dr. about your thoughts and feelings? Perhaps he could prescribe you something to help or at least help you feel more hopeful that you'll go back to your old self again soon. Loves!
Yea for openess! Don't you love that you can find support over the internet? Well, I have to say that my home is also crazy messy. I stopped making a fuss over the house when my #2 came. It felt so good to let it go. Cleaning can be hard when getting out of bed is a exhausting by itself.
The good news is that your "baby blues" didn't turn into postpardum psychosis, which is really scary. A lot of women suffer through this and you shouldn't be ashamed of it, if you need drugs, so be it.
P.S. You can always talk to your midwife about it. They seem to be understanding about things like that and give you some more natural approaches. If it's not enough, a prescription might be your greatest blessing. Anyways, keep up the good work. As long as your kids are fed and know they are loved they will be fine.
Why did you go 11 weeks without talking about it? Wish we could have been supporting you this whole time!
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